Be the Cat's Meow

Archive for December 2010

Christmas may be over, yet tis the season that continues to linger.

In honor of this I would like to pay homage to the holiday of FESTIVUS.

Yes, I realize I mentioned Christmas, but, really, aren’t Festivus & Christmas one in the same?

Traditionally, Festivus is the “non-commerical” version of Christmas and another way to celebrate the joyous season. According to the story of origin, Seinfeld writer Dan O’Keefe created the holiday in February of 1966 with his current wife. Festivus was thrust into pop culture oblivion on December 18, 1997 with the Seinfeld episode The Strike and the always lovable Frank Costanza quickly became the poster child for the new holiday.  The rest, my friends, is history- or should I say a FESTIVUS MIRACLE.

The key events during the celebration of Festivus (December 23) include the dinner, “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength.” The dinner should consist of a ham or turkey and a Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&Ms. The “Airing” takes place immediately following dinner. The speaker should begin, “I got a lot of problems with you people-” and continue with the specifics of how your loved ones disappointed you the past year. The finale, “Feats,” forces the household head to challenge a dinner guest to a wrestling match. Festivus is not officially over until the head (challenger) is pinned down.

The Festivus pole (in lieu of a Christmas Tree) is the key decoration. The aluminum pole, with a high strength-to-weight ratio, is to be unadorned. Tinsel is distracting, according to Costanza.

Coming from a Catholic family, we do not participate in the aforementioned rituals-  at least not in a formal manner. I have also realized the same can be said about others that celebrate Christmas. Bright colored lights & trees adorned with tinsel are the main defining factors that separate those that celebrate Christmas over Festivus.

Christmas is supposed to be a magical time filled with love, family, miracles and, most importantly, presents. People are expected to be more generous than usual and everyone to be obliviously happy.

I’m not sure about you guys, but I have yet to see a “magical” Christmas had by anyone.

Every year it seems as though everyone forgets about the other unavoidable events that conflict with Christmas. Let’s start simple- the weather. The holiday season means colder weather. The holiday season also inevitably means dealing with more people than usual. These two factors combined mean a) you will be sick all season long or b) you will be sick for half of the season. Long story short, you will most likely be under-prepared with presents and/or baked/cooked treats and you will also be even more exhausted, stressed and, most likely cranky.

I tip my hat to those that brave planes, trains or buses this time of year. You are dealing with an ample amount of cranky people with a shared goal to reach their final destination in a timely manner. Those that don’t wind up sleeping in airports or being re-routed an unnecessary number of times. This Christmas eastbound travelers got to deal with the unforgiving blizzard and those attempting to leave the coast were stuck. Definitely not a stress-free situation.

Going to any form of a store (grocery, tiny hats, etc.) is a disaster waiting to happen. Black Friday marks the beginning of the end for any sort of shopping. Feel free to go, just remember you may get stampeded over an Xbox 360 or the last pack of unsalted butter. Don’t forget all the lines, LInes, LINES either- there is no such thing as a quick shopping trip. To top it off costumers & store clerks are generally less than jolly, so happy holidays to you.

Spending extended periods of time with anyone is a cause for catastrophe. Yes, I did just say that. It is important for EVERYONE to step back, breathe & have some alone time once in awhile. During the holiday season, this is virtually impossible, but it is absolutely necessary! There are always more Christmas parties than you can handle and, the worst part, tis the “holiday season,” so you are morally obligated to go no matter how much you don’t like the party host or hostess. Family events can be just as bad since everyone is on edge and more alcohol is involved than usual. If everyone is stressed enough beforehand your dinner will resemble the traditional Festivus dinner.

All of the above factors combined will most likely lead to an impromptu (or series of) “Airing of Grievances.” When you are running from fumes after cooking giant feasts, dealing with crazy shoppers, recovering from the flu, having little or no sleep, etc. etc.,  something is bound to erupt. You will call your crazy Aunt Sally a drunk and then she will go off on the gluttonous Uncle Bob and he will yell at your mom for being a nag and on and on. Depending on the physical nature of people this may very easily lead to “Feats of Strength” challenge(s) and viola, you have Festivus (under the guise of Christmas).

Who knew that most of society has been honoring Festivus all along? Festivus may not be as pretty as Christmas and forgets about the baby Jesus, but doesn’t it capture the heart of Christmas? Both holidays bring people together for a brief stint only to bring some of those people to blows. Let’s be honest- would it really be a Christmas without your mom yelling about how stressed she is and just yelling at you for whatever else she sees fit? No, it would not. Why not consider formally celebrating Festivus then? Save your money and forgo gifts, decorations and extravagant meals and maybe even save some stress. More importantly, you will still be able to air grievances, but in a tame way. On that note-

I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!


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Recently, I was stricken by the inevitable winter-time plague. I have since recovered, but only to dive headfirst into the madness known as the “holidays”- “Happy” Holidays. I also discovered an army of bees nesting in my roof and a gaping hole in the wall behind my oven. Lovely. Happy Holidays.

In honor of the holiday season here is my gift to you. I guarantee it will bring a smile to your tired looking face.  Behold:

Kim Jong -Il Looking at Things

I am extremely mad at myself I did not learn about this sooner. This is just what I needed to chase away my bah humbugs. I have also learned that Jong-Il and I share similar interest like looking at the kitchen cabinet and crackers. Hopefully this sparks an internet sensation and the former leader will no longer be ronery.

Just in case you are unfamiliar with being ronery here is an explanation.

You’re welcome.

Who's awesome? YOU'RE awesome!

And thank you Jong-Il for looking at things. I suggest you try looking at cats. Preferably cats in tiny hats. You can thank me later (all of you).

Oh, college- what a wild fling we had.

I had such a love-hate relationship with you. You managed to bring me to tears more than I could count. When our time was through I was absolutely ecstatic to leave you in my past.

Oh, how time has changed.

Now I feel like my brain is rotting. Slowly shriveling away like a tiny raisin in my skull.

I miss structured teaching or being forced to pick up a novel I otherwise would toss aside.

Most of all, I miss being forced to sit and write ridiculously long papers analyzing a smaller piece of writing.

What is wrong with this picture?

If I had extra money to toss around I would have shipped myself off to culinary school by now. Then, after graduating, I would go back to college for a Masters. It all sounds so simple.

This brings me to the question of, “Why are the least likely candidates for a degree always the ones with money to burn?” To put it in simple terms, “Why do rich parents waste money on their spoiled, unmotivated kid’s college education?” Do these parents really think a Sociology degree takes 8 years (and yes I mean a Bachelors)?

I would have been in heaven if I could have gone to school 1) for free, 2) without working and 3) for an indefinite amount of time for whatever I pleased.

I’d like to see those kids work nearly 40 hours, go to school for 18 and have a double major in 5 years. Stop your moaning about having two classes a week. You have no idea what hard work means and, mostly likely, you will never try to learn what it means. I am no prodigy, but just goes to show it can be done. I was lucky enough to have some scholarship money, but the costs of college and basic living will burn a whole in anyone’s pocket.

I hate you spoiled rich kids. I hate you.

I thought that my grudge would dissipate after high school, but it has only worsened. I envy the ease that the rich can get richer. Sure if I had a six figure plus bank account I would make investments, purchase more music equipment and start up a high end bakery. Oh, and I would buy a NEW car. A car with less than 80K miles that isn’t destined to fall apart after a few short years. Hell, I could probably buy a house too- because I know how to budget.

I know how to stretch my dollar. You have to learn how to stretch your dollar when you work your ass off for it. You learn to appreciate what you have. Do you know how to live for less than $1k/year? Could you?

Okay, so maybe I am a little bitter, but I am sure those of you that have been in my position are. It gives me more motivation to work hard, but at the same time it feels like a never-ending uphill battle. Especially considering the current economic situation.

I want to go back to school SO BAD, but out of state. Naturally, I would get scholarships, but those only go so far. Then what happens after I graduate? Will I be like the other current Masters graduates? Will I have put myself through additional stressful years of school to work as a waitress or a barista? Will I be making even less money than I am now?

I won’t have any answers until I experience for myself. Only a leap of faith will tell me if I made the right decision.

For now I still have no idea what I am going to do. Just as the rich get richer the poor get poorer, so I must plan wisely.

Regardless, hard work pays off and I know how to make my finances last. This isn’t all about the money- this is about pursuing my passions. I don’t care if I get a job as a baker or a college professor or a dj and make little money. You know why? Because I will be doing what I love. If I can simply do that I will have succeeded.

**Edit: I was able to live on such a small income, because I had been saving money since I was 4 and don’t forget the grant money. Selling old books, clothes, etc. also helped- just ideas for those of you that may be in the same boat. You can do it!!**

Social networking is pissing me off.

I mentioned this to a friend the other morning and his response was “but I have friends that use it to communicate.” My retort was, “I do too, but I try to actually talk to people instead. I’d rather be out doing stuff than posting crap online.”

I know I have gone on this rant before and it is necessary I go on it yet again.

Sadly, I don’t think the problem is solely attributed to sites like facebook. The problem lies within- that is within people. Stupid people.

Users=People=Crazy

Fuck, I can be crazy too. I just don’t advertise it to the whole wide www-world. What happened to having private lives? What happened to the elements of surprise when meeting new people?

At first I thought it was a great idea to share my thoughts and feelings with friends and cyber-friends, but then I realized that just gets messy.

There are those lack of judgment moments when you immediately post something and seconds later you realize the double entendres you just unleashed. Before you can delete or edit you have comments/ texts/calls from overly concerned love ones, gossip queens, nosey neighbors, jealous exes, etc.

And so the downward spiral begins. Who knew your own words had the ability to bite you in the ass so hard. This is how rumors get started, people! Cyberspace has transformed the rumor mill into a ferocious beast.

It reminds me of when I had to read Jonathan’s Swift “A Modest Proposal.” The following day in class (mind you this was in college) about half the students were repulsed by this “cannibalistic” piece and the other half were humored by Swift’s genius satire.  We all read the same thing, yet our interpretations were different. Maybe a “Modest Proposal” is a bit of a stretch in regards of interpretation, but it just goes to show that some people will take the most ridiculous things as the truth.

That’s fine. I’m over sharing any news with you, facebook. My life was fine before you and shall continue to be.

Meanwhile, Generation Z-ers cannot comprehend a world outside the realm of social networking. To be  honest I could care less about the endless, meaningless posts they make.

Now, my question to you: WHAT PARENT, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, LETS THEIR 12 YEAR OLD HAVE A FACEBOOK?

What is wrong with you people?! I don’t want to read/see DISTURBING posts/photos from your child that should NOT have a page. Have you not seen Dateline’s To Catch a Predator segment? Have you heard of hacking? Yes, there are those adolescents that are smart enough to make things private, but most don’t  think of that- they just want to look cool and find a bf or gf ❤ ❤ ❤ =D

The worst part is there are those parents that give two shits what their kid is doing. This is a general problem that will continue regardless, so, sadly, it is what it is. Meanwhile, the “supportive” parents are equally as bad and visibly encourage their kid to pursue a terrible idea that everyone else knows is (surprise) a TERRIBLE idea! Great job!

The infinite amount of naive and conceited banter (which we all have been guilty of [and some still are]) between this group of tweens & teens just kills me. Naturally, at the ripe age of 14, you would know everything there is to know about life.

Listen up kids, how about you log off your facebook, myspace, twitter, hi5, skype and every other damn “networking” thing you partake in and go out and ACTUALLY do something. You are not accomplishing anything with your obnoxious rants and everyone, but you, realizes that. Stop killing brain cells and read a book (not a Kindle), A BOOK!

Then you have the lovely facebook facades. As in the people that do a dance to make you believe a false reality. For example, you have the bitter breaker-upper that posts endlessly about their “new” boy/girlfriend to make their ex jealous. It seems true in a newsfeed, but really you know that this person is just trying to pour salt in the wound of the ex and he/she isn’t actually dating anyone and is obviously just online 24/7.

My favorite facade has to be the “frien-emies.” I love it when two people that hate each other (more than anyone could ever imagine) post irrelevant, impersonal comments to make everyone else think they have reconciled or, better yet, to piss off a third party. *sigh* Oh, you insane people, you…

Don’t you realize the only people you are fooling are yourselves? Reality will reveal itself in the long run, so go ahead and fabricate your lives as beautifully as you want- it is called cyberspace for a reason.

Unfortunately, social networks will only continue to grow and these situations will multiply like rabbits. Just remember 1) you can’t believe everything you see, 2) some things are better left unsaid and 3) people are stupid (aka nobody is perfect). My advice to you- go out and LIVE for crying out loud.

Farmville is not going out and living- I am talking go meet new people or call your old friends. Go on a freaking walk. Just something that doesn’t entail sitting on your ass and clicking on your mouse. Have you forgotten about the accelerated growth of obesity or the slow death of creativity and innovation? Well, that’s a whole different topic for a another day.

Just think about it.

Even if it pisses you off and you return to playing Papaya Farm after I will have succeeded because I made you THINK.


You’re welcome.

Disclaimer: Only a select few of these are based on firsthand experiences. Many of these are based on unfortunate stories I have heard.


i WANT

Posted on: 12/01/2010

I would like this for Christmas, please

That’s all I got…


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