Be the Cat's Meow

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships

Life has been moving faster than I ever imagined and in working on a longer piece I had forgotten about keeping this updated. Honestly, I forgot that this even existed in the first place. Long summer days at work triggered my memory of blogging and with the help of Google I found my way back.

Hard to believe over a year has passed since I last wrote. Thinking about everything that happened is very surreal…

Firstly, I have turned 30 and it wasn’t as scary as I expected it to be. Actually, it is shaping up to be one of the best years of my life.

I have advanced in a job (and most likely will advance again very shortly), that I love, and in between it allowed me to travel and meet people I would have never met otherwise (ie academics). My awkwardness perfectly melds with theirs and I get to (somewhat) learn things I would never have otherwise.

I have been continuing a steady fitness regime and also teach kickboxing at least twice a week. I love being able to show people how to trust themselves and become stronger. Everyone is capable of anything, but sometimes you need a little push. I think most (myself included) have trouble grasping their true strength- inner and out.

Exercise, I firmly believe, is also the best drug for mental health. You become stronger AND you feel great afterwards.

I have been to even more events alone and I have learned when I need time to recharge. Seem to be doing more recharging these days, but I savor any moment to myself I can get. I am also perfectly content with having a movie night with friends as opposed to bar-hopping.

Related to bar-hopping, I was able to see & meet some of the biggest inspirations to me: Frankie Bones, The Crystal Method, Bad Boy Bill, Jinkx Monsoon, Ongina, and I am sure I am forgetting someone (or two)….

I have become far more comfortable with myself and have a much better grasp of what is best for me. This also includes setting boundaries with others as well as sticking to my gut instincts about people/opportunities/etc.

I had a recent falling out with someone I considered one of my closest friends and had to make the difficult decision that severing ties was for the best. We had spent some time apart and trying to pick up our relationship where we left off seemed impossible.

They may not realize it now and, unfortunately, they refused to acknowledge the fact that we were making each other miserable. There is a place and time for everything and our time had passed.

I tried so hard to be patient and open, but in return I was being criticized for things like my career, my goals & my lifestyle. Growing up with depression I feel that happiness is a valid goal- not to mention something as basic as getting out of bed daily is a feat in itself.

People grow at different paces and people have different needs. AND that is okay. It is about being comfortable with yourself and acknowledging what you need.

Most importantly I have also been more open to others about my anxiety and depression. Although it seems some people misconstrue my words I know I am doing all that I can by being open. If they don’t want to try to understand me then I am not going to waste my time trying to make them happy.

Lastly, somehow, I have been blessed to find love. It had been in front of me all along, but, of course, it bites when you least expect it. We’ve lived parallel lives across the country from each other and, in a twist of fate, we were brought together. We have taken different, albeit eerily similar, paths to get to where we are today and we understand each other perfectly. We have a relationship where we can communicate with a simple look.

Well, there you have it folks. A brief recap of the past year with the underlying lesson being to stay true to yourself! It sounds super cliche, but really, at the end of the day, you know what is best for you. Obviously, you should still be kind and considerate of others, but don’t ever let anyone’s negativity penetrate your own life. Trust yourself, always.

 

Oh the dreaded VD…

…eww sicko, I am referring to Valentine’s Day of course!

That greeting card, flower & chocolate endorsed holiday. The day that singles love to hate and [most] couples love to love.

Honestly, I am indifferent about Valentine’s Day. Yes, I have recognized it while in a relationship, but there was never any pressure like, “YOU BETTA GIVE ME A TEDDY BEAR & FLOWERS & SH*T.” Better yet I wasn’t ever forced into a Tammy-I-Don’t-Spread-For-No-Roses situation.

The same can be argued about events like Father’s & Mother’s Day or even birthdays- if you really care about someone why don’t you celebrate them WHENEVER? Isn’t it a greater gesture when you surprise someone on a regular non-holiday day? Instead of scrambling to bake a sorry excuse of a cake or make a crappy paperweight at the last minute? Come on now!

I say, F-That!

Especially all you single folk! Don’t spend the day wallowing in self-pity. Instead I encourage

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Day!

Go ahead. Splurge (with reason or monetary means) on that 5 course meal or buy that drag queen bling you have been shy about. You deserve it! Celebrate your fabulosity and ability to treat yo’self to EXACTLY what you please!

In the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Maybe you aren’t in a conventional relationship right now, but I guarantee that you are loved by many! If not many definitely some, but believe me people care about you more than you think!

If you are drowning in your pity party reach for a hand. Your friends won’t know that you need them if you don’t let them know. Just be just sure to leave the tiny violin at home.

Don’t roll your eyes at me either. I’m in the same [single] boat as you. My plans include working out, Tekken tag, wine and shrimp enchiladas. Naturally, I will spend time with friends in between.

Bottom line: TREAT YO’SELF!! Celebrate you! Do something spontaneous you couldn’t otherwise do while in a couple. It’s okay to feel good and pamper yourself. If you don’t who will?

Can I get an AMEN?

It is that time of year again. A time of empty resolutions and promises made to be broken- the beginning of a new year.

New year means a clean slate, right?

UHm, nooooooooo.

Let me break it down-

A year is just a unit of time. A unit measured by the time that it takes a planet to revolve around the sun. 

We are humans and use “years” to indicate our numerical (because some people are mentally younger..)age or to track time.

Years come and go independently of our existence. A change in the year does not automatically create a change within. Did you feel something happen within you at midnight on New Year’s Eve? 

Maybe you felt bloated from too much champagne and cheese dip, but nothing mentally changes automatically.

So why don’t you just change for the best whenever possible? There’s nothing wrong with deciding to make a resolution on a day other than January 1. Why the hell not?

Last year was the BEST of my life…to date. I was ecstatic to go into the Holiday season cheerful and stress free. As luck would have it situations beyond my control took place and I had to deal with someone else’s problems. I didn’t have to, but what else do you do when someone you love has had a traumatic series of weeks?

Don’t get me wrong, of course I want to do everything I can, but I have yet to understand why some people feel change is beyond their control.

If I decided I want to change my attitude am I supposed to tell my friend, so they can fix it for me?

Frustrated beyond belief I had to continuously reiterate being positive works wonders. It is what it is, so you can be pissed off and do nothing or you can find the silver lining. It is truly about attitude and accepting that some things are beyond control. Her excuse was, “only people with good lives are positive.”

I call bull. Some of the most positive people I know have lived through unimaginable crap and you would never know. I’m not saying to be ignorant or oblivious, but understand that your attitude is something that can always be changed- AT ANY TIME.

Obviously, I realize some situations are harder to deal with and that makes it difficult to stay positive. If you just try I guarantee it will help. Even if it is the slightest bit, but it beats being miserable right?

All I am trying to say is stop making excuses or stop waiting for Jan. 1 to make a change. Start with yourself now! You are the only person that can take care of yourself. Sure you have loved ones that can also care for you, but only you know and feel what you truly need.

Nothing is perfect. Nothing is easy. That is okay and it helps us shape who we are. Just grow some balls and take action to change what you don’t like. Nobody can help you unless you start to help yourself first. 

 

 

These days I feel like I am turning into Carrie Bradshaw- or should I say I am getting Carrie-ed away?

Sorry, I had to go there…

Winter’s entrance indicates the rapidly approaching holiday season. A time for cheerful decor, cozy clothing and, of course, plenty of festivities. I’m all for celebrations, especially those that involve eating and drinking, but I don’t understand why all these gatherings have morphed into couple events. 

I thought the holidays were about spending time with those you love? Wouldn’t this imply that you don’t necessarily need a plus one? After all, you can love someone that isn’t necessarily your lover.

I guess I am just tried of getting invites and being told, “you can bring a date.” 

…Hmm….

Okay:

1) I am not dating and anyone that knows me knows that.

2) Why the hell would I drag a first date to some holiday party where even I don’t know everyone there?

3) Do you think I would use a holiday party as an excuse to find a date??

Maybe I am just being bitter after being overloaded with seasonal stock images such as:

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or even this older couple frolicking on a grassy knoll:

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I want to frolic too..is that too much to ask? I guess I should say, I want to be able to frolic alone without people feeling sorry for me.

In closing, I have one Christmas wish for all the couples out there,

…of course I still have wishes for the masses- world peace, happiness, the norm…

anyways, my one wish for couples:

Can you please embrace us single folk as we are and simply let us be solo at your holiday events? We obviously love you if we show up as the lone ranger at your party, so let’s leave the dating discussion for another day or, say, never.

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Posted on: 11/28/2012

The Grass is Always Greener: The Worst Things Married People Can Tell Single People

Unlike this author, I have only been on the single side of the fence. I was practically married at one point, but alas…

Being single has perks, but I do agree that sometimes you married folk should think before you speak! When was the last time you were the only single at a table filled with couples at a wedding- the worst possible scenario to be without a plus one. Not to mention the nightmare scenario of single you slipping in the shower, choking on a gummy bear, etc. and laying helplessly as your cats do absolutely nothing and watch you bleed or choke to death. I wouldn’t mind a warm body that isn’t one of my cats either. As much as I love to snuggle with them it isn’t quite the same, not to mention they are more apt to wake me with a butt in my face (maybe some couples are into that, but me, not so much….

The next time you tell a single person how jealous you are of their “freedom” think about how many times we get put on the pedestal to be poked & prodded for being part of a dying civilization.

I figured a rant could be justified by my prolonged absence…deal with it.

These days I have found myself in many new places- both physically &
mentally. It’s as though I have freed myself from an abusive relationship
(which is true in some ways).

One of my newest endeavors is on the job front. I work in a University now
and, for the most part, my cohorts are older men. There are a few women in administrative positions, which means I have repeatedly been subjected to the worst interrogations possible- i.e. “Are you married?” (I reply,
“No”), “Do you have children” (I say “No” again) and awkward silences
follows.

Unfortunately, work isn’t the only place I am reminded I am single. When I go out and try to meet new people OR reconnecting with people (eg. my ten year reunion, eek), one of the first questions is, “are you seeing anyone?” Luckily, this is typically preceded by “You look great,” but still, I’d rather not be reminded that, somehow, all these asshats are getting married and divorced and I can’t even get a date.

I still don’t understand why this has to be the primary conversation
starter. Why is my life narrowed down to these questions? Just because
I am a female approaching 30? Since women NEED men to be adequate? Why don’t you bother to ask me a question that is, actually, about ME?

I never thought anything was wrong with being single & childless at 28,
but the more people ask, the more inadequate and depressed I feel. Just shake it off, I think and I instantly feel better knowing that I don’t have to depend on anyone.

Meanwhile, everyday I log on to facebook someone else is getting married
and/or popping out a kid. When did this suddenly become a priority? Did we
all mature and nest or is it a frantic race to pair off before it’s too
late?

Honestly, I feel like it’s the latter. I don’t like being rushed when I am
choosing my lunch and no way would I want to rush to pick a husband. I
know others feel that way, but I have a strange feeling the weight of
societal standards got to them first. They probably have an inkling of
doubt lurking deep down inside, but it will take a few years before logic
kicks in. I would like to think, years from now when people go through
their separations, they will respect & better understand my decision to
wait.

I just would like to feel love again- to feel that excitement and giddiness. When I’ve had a shitty day I want to have someone to hold me.  I want to have someone to confide in. Conversely, I’m not ready to break my wall down until I know it’s worth letting someone in.

At the end of the day, I will return to an empty house seeking
companionship from my cats. Yes, it can get lonely, but I’d like to think
it is worth the wait.

Once again, it is the most wonderful time of the year for us single folk- Valentine’s Day.

Honestly, I’m not bitter that I don’t have a Valentine. It alleviates the pressure of having to buy some cheesy box of chocolates or trying to plan a “unique” V-day outing. Sure, maybe there is somebody out there that I care about, but I don’t need some Hallmark approved holiday forcing me to buy crap to prove that, yes indeed, I choo-choo-choose you.

I will be celebrating Valentine’s the best way- getting a haircut and facial over the weekend. I already treated myself to a Snoop Dogg concert and lots of sweets. Now that sounds like a fantastic time to me.

Valentine’s Day didn’t start bothering me until this past weekend. About 20 (I kid you you not) relatives, friends AND strangers asked if I had a Valentine over the weekend. When I responded no they proceeded to ask, “Why not?” or “Are you seeing anyone?”

First off, why does Valentine’s make it necessary that you need to have a “Valentine”? February 14 does not mean I need to scramble to find my soulmate- it’s just another day, come on. Also, screw all the people that had the audacity to ask me “why not?”- of course I love being the token single on Valentine’s, I plan it that way- come ON now.  Second, would you want anyone other than a significant other or spouse to be your special date? Why would anyone actively seek out a complete stranger just to be able to say, “Meet my Valentine ____________. Don’t ask me anything else about him, because I don’t know…”

All I have to say is the only love that will never turn their back on you is yourself- at least I would hope so.

My wish for everyone is to have a happy and stress-free Valentine’s Day regardless of your relationship status. I still think it is a stupid holiday, but at least it is an excuse to overindulge in sweets.

Kids can be cruel. This is something I learned as a kid and still continue to see. It will never change- children will inevitably think in a superficial manner until they are mature enough to grasp reality. Even then, I feel, some people will continue to behave in this manner during adulthood, but that is another story…

One of the greatest things about being an adult is the absence of the aforementioned bullying. Like most children/adolescents I was very awkward and on top of that I was a short adorned with glasses and braces. Naturally, I had my fair share of time spent in lockers or trash cans. I never got in a full fledged fight, but when people did try to push me around I would retaliate by swinging my tiny limbs around and running away.

Nowadays, I see all articles popping up about “cyberbullying.” At first I wondered how this virtual means of bullying could be problematic. How could a facebook wall post be worse than being stuffed in a trash can? The more I thought about it the more it made sense. When something is posted online it is practically immortal. Sure things get deleted or have glitches, but think about all the forgotten blogs, webpages or message boards that you once created/frequented. Most likely you could search for one of these pages and find that it still exists.

When I read this disturbing article the other day, about a suicide related to cyberbullying, it made me realize how much worse it is than the “old school” bullying.

This generation of youth has grown up with accessibility to networking sites such as myspace or facebook (it is what the cool kids do) AND on top of that most kids are armed with a cell phone before third grade.  Then you have these networks of school kids that post/text every detail of their school day, including who did what social faux paus, who fell down some stairs, who is now deemed uncool-and so it begins. You can get anything from a vicious status update to embarrassing video and it is visible for all to see in a matter of seconds.

Now flashback to the 90s during my elementary school career-

Okay- maybe some things are better left in the past...

let’s skip the “Hangin’ Tough” part. If I did something mortifying like fall down some stairs I would be laughed at by those that witnessed the tragic event. Naturally, the story would spread like a wildfire, but then it would be quickly forgotten once somebody else peed themselves during art or something along those lines. None of this posting for all to see.

The worst part is this trend has only just begun. Technology’s rapid evolution will continue and kids will continue to be kids.

Lately I have been feeling my biological clock ticking away. Not necessarily my “baby” clock, but my “holy-crap-I’m-almost-30-and-have-so-many-goals-before-settling-down” clock.  Maybe this is odd, but I have heard similar things from those my age.

To deal with this I made a list of my goals and have been trying to figure out how to achieve these. The main goal is move to a bigger city, but, of course, money is the biggest obstacle with that. I have been diligently saving money to deal with this and also have been working towards expanding my portfolio (writing & art) to (hopefully) open more doors to opportunity.

I assumed doing these things to reach my goals would be the right thing to do. However, I began to second guess myself when I started to experience some sort of “backlash” from friends and family. Having grown up with friends within the circles of ravers, hippies and artists we did many group outings and more often than not I have unexpected visitors drop by. Of course it is always nice to have company, but how am I supposed to work on a story when I am suddenly deemed hostess. At the same time I am Mexican, so we are also expected to do everything together. Heck, I was expected to stay living with my parents until I found a husband.

With facebook, e-mail, cell phones, etc. it is impossible to drop off the radar. My disappearing act quickly led to slightly confrontational e-mails and texts from friends and family. “What happened to you? I thought we were friends.” “Why don’t you stay with your relatives for the weekend?” My first thought was, wow I am a terrible person, I let all these people down and my gut reaction was to fill up my planner with dinner dates for the next month. As I started to stress about it I took a second to sit back and think.

Looking back two to three years ago I’d go straight from work to different friends’ houses to play video games or watch TV until I was on the verge of passing out. Okay, all things considered, it was good fun, but now it seems like I threw away too much time. I had just graduated from college, so I was ready to savor my freedom and let some brain cells shrivel, but maybe that wasn’t the best option. Now, I definitely try to see family and friends as often as possible, but at the same time I realize I need to work more in order to reach my goals.

This made me think about the delicate balance between work and play. I work to live not live to work. At the same time, my “work” outside my salary job is what I am truly passionate about. They are ways to cope, meditate, reflect and express those emotions I don’t know how to otherwise. The trick is to avoid recluse state. You only have so much time to spend with loved ones, family and friends alike, but at the same time you can’t give up your pursuits to spend every waking second with them. Achieving this balance will definitely be the hardest part.

Remembering to keep that balance and keep loved ones close hit me the hardest when my tata passed last year. Growing up my brother and I would spend every Sunday with my grandparents. Tata would take us for a ride in his new car and we would go explore the “creek” in the park. I cherish every one of those memories. As his health declined he was stuck at home all the time. I would stop by and visit and take something to satisfy his sweet tooth. At this point I was old enough to want to talk to my tata and learn more about his life, but he was barely audible although he remained animated.  My nana could decipher most of what he said and he generally encouraged me to continue doing well in school and work. When he passed away I hadn’t seen him for weeks. It crushed me I never got to say goodbye. I never got to take him one last bag of lollipops or pan de juevo. I went straight to my nana’s the morning he passed and spent the whole day there. She reassured me he knew how much I loved him and he was proud of my accomplishments. I told her I still felt awful inside and that’s when she said something I never expected- “You are living your life. He loved you and he understood you couldn’t be here all the time. You have to do what makes you happy- no matter what.” Her words calmed me. Of course I was still mourning the loss, but it put life in perspective.

With all the chaos life brings I forgot the words of my nana, but recent events led me to talk to older friends. I asked them what it was like for them at this age and if they experienced anything similar. Surprisingly, they all said the same thing as my nana. They reminded me there comes a time when you have a priority shift and you can’t spend all your time “hanging-out” like you used to. I definitely miss the days of leisure and lack of responsibilities, but c’est la vie. Others will have the same epiphany, but they all occur at different times.  It is what it is and nobody can do anything to speed up the process.  In the meantime you just do what you need to do and those close to you will understand and if they don’t now they will soon enough.

I guess this is just part of growing up. I wish life had an instruction manual.

When I logged on WordPress today one of the blogs on the home page was: We All Married the Wrong People.

Now the “M” word is currently not an active part of my vocabulary, but I am at an age where more and more people I know are getting married. When I initially noticed this post I scrolled over thinking, Ugh, more of this marriage b.s., but I must admit it was a worthwhile (and quick) read.

I thought this article encapsulates the common marriage follies I hear about and the premise is also applicable to any relationship you may have (friends, family, etc.). In a nutshell, attitude and communication are the pillars of any given relationship- especially marriage. Naturally, this all sounds so simple on paper, but mix in human emotions or factors like jealousy and greed and you have a giant mess. It all boils down to accepting some things are beyond our control to change and understanding resolutions can be made.

Nobody is perfect, yet we seem to forget that rather often.



  • None
  • saracfry: Good post. Thank you. I think that you might appreciate an article I just wrote titled "The Purity of Love"
  • fullblather: Ugh. I'm happily married but I really hate Valentine's Day and the way it feels so forced. I also hate how people make it seem like something is "wron
  • matt: Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.

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